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began to fasten themselves to their helpless bodies. Locked in a foul embrace,
the boggies would soon be hickeyed to death. Summoning their last strength,
they all cried for help.
"Help, help!" they cried.
But no one answered. The fat orange blossoms ranged over the helpless boggie
bodies, squirming and moaning with desire. A bloated blossom fastened to
Spam's boggie belly and began its relentless sucking motion; he felt his flesh
drawn up to the center of the flower. Then, as Sam looked on in horror, the
petals released with a resounding _pop!_, leaving a dark, malignant weal where
the horrid pucker had been. Spam, powerless to save himself or his companions,
watched terrified as the nowpanting sepals prepared to administer their final,
deadly soul kiss.
But just as the long, red stamen descended to its unspeakable task, Spam
thought he heard the snatch of a lilting song not far distant, and growing
louder! It was a muddled, drowsy voice that sang words that were not words to
Spam's ears:
"Toke-a-lid! Smoke-a-lid! Pop the mescalino!
Stash the hash! Gonna crash! Make mine methedrino!
Hop a hill! Pop a pill! For Old Tim Benzedrino!"
Though mad with fear, all strained to the rising melody sung by someone who
sounded like he had terminal mumps:
"Snorting, sporting! Speeding through the arbor,
Pushing till the folk you burn toss you in the harbor!
Screeching like a dying loon, zooming like the thrush!
Follow me and very soon, your mind will turn to mush!
Higher than the nowhere birds grooving in the air, We'll open up a sandal shop
where everyone will share!
Flower folk are springing up, wearing bead and boot, And if you down me you
can stick a flower up your snoot!
To Love and Peace and Brotherhood we all can snort a toast, And if the heat is
on again, we'll all split to the Coast!"
Suddenly a brightly colored figure burst through the foliage, swathed in a
long mantle of hair the consistency of muchchewed Turkish taffy. It was
something like a man, but not much; it stood six feet tall, but could not have
weighed more than thirty-five pounds, dirt included. Standing with his long
arms dangling almost to the ground, the singer's body was covered with a
pattern of startling hues, ranging from schizoid red to psychopathique azure.
Around his pipestem neck hung a dozen strands of beaded charms and from the
center, an amulet imprinted with the elf-rune _Kelvinator_. Through the oily
snaggles of hair stared two huge eyeballs that bulged from their sockets, so
bloodshot that they appeared more like two baseballs of very lean bacon.
"Ooooooooooh, wow!" said the creature, assaying the situation quickly.
Then, half loping, half rolling to the foot of the murderous tree, he sat on
his meatless haunches and peered at it with his colorless, saucerlike irises;
he chanted an incantation that sounded to Frito like a hacking cough:
"Oh uncool bush! Unloose this passle
Of furry cats that you hassle!
Tho' by speed my brain's destroyed, I'm not half this paranoid!
So cease this bummer, down the freak-out, Let caps and joints cause brains to
leak-out!
These cats are groovy here among us, So leave 'em be, you uptight fungus!"
Thus speaking, the withered apparition raised his spidery hand in a two-
fingered "V" sign and uttered an eldritch spell:
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"Tim, Tim, Benzedrine!
Hash! Boo! Valvoline!
Clean! Clean! Clean for Gene!
First, second, neutral, park, _Hie thee hence_, you leafy narc!"
The towering plant shivered and the coils fell from its victims like
yesterday's macaroni, and they sprang free with joyful yelps. As they watched
with fascination, the great green menace whimpered like a nursling and sucked
its own pistils with ill temper. The boggies retrieved their garments, and
Frito sighed with relief to find the Ring still firmly Bostiched to his
pocket.
"Oh thank you," they all squealed, wagging their tails, "thank you, thank
you!" But their savior said nothing. As if unaware of their presence, he
stiffened like the tree and gasped, "Gah gah gah" while his pupils opened and
closed like nervous umbrellas. His knees buckled and unbuckled, then buckled
again and he fell to the mossy earth in a ball of frantically thrashing hair.
He foamed at the mouth and screamed, "Oh God get 'em off me! They're all over
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